In a previous article, I discussed how social anxiety can be alleviated simply by being yourself and talking about subjects that interest you. Today, I’ll explore this idea further, helping you to create a roadmap of self development and enabling you to truly be yourself in social situations.

If you continuously find yourself saying things you don’t really mean in social situations, if you feel that you’re ‘acting’ instead of ‘being’, you may well find that your social anxiety stems from a lack of self.

“There is no better investment than taking the time to get to know yourself.”

While for some, “being yourself” is a straightforward task, for many others it is a monumental undertaking. In my consultancy work I have found that the vast majority of clients who are struggling with social anxiety are also experiencing a lack of any concept of self. Your upbringing can have a major part to play in this. If parents fail to demonstrate a consistent level of love and trust, their children are left striving for their acceptance. These children learn quickly that being ‘good’ or ‘clever’ is more important than whatever innate qualities make them unique. Their sense of self is overshadowed by fitting into another’s version of what is desirable.

So how do you combat this as an adult? Follow these steps:

1. Learn who you are.
In order to be yourself, you must first understand who you are. This requires introspection, perhaps aided by mindfulness exercises and journal keeping. Jot down your likes and dislikes as they come up. Give yourself an opportunity to learn what makes you, you. There is no better investment than taking the time to get to know yourself. When you have a deeper understanding of yourself, you’ll no longer find yourself talking nonsense or agreeing with people purely for lack of something to say.

2. Keep the right company.
In order to be yourself and overcome your anxieties, it’s vital to be surrounded by accepting, encouraging people. This can be a self-fulfilling scenario, as the more you are your real self, the more that the right people are naturally attracted to your company.
Toxic people meanwhile; those who are critical of you and make you feel insecure about your worth, need to be avoided for your own wellbeing. Allow people a chance to get accustomed to the new, real you, but if they can’t get on board with you no longer being an ever- pleasing, malleable version of yourself, cut ties.

3. Value yourself.
Finally, value your worth as an individual. There is nothing more important for your soul than knowing who you are, unapologetically. The confidence you will feel will grow exponentially as you realise that you don’t have to be anything other than who you are. The right people will be drawn to you and you’ll no longer find yourself acting in order to keep the wrong people interested in your company. But ultimately, you’ll know that your worth isn’t measured by what others think of you.

If you want to speed up this process, or have the guided support of a professional consultant, why not call us at Nelumbo Consultancy to find out how we can help. Our counsellors can help you to underpin the reason that you struggle to be yourself around others, and guide you through the process of self-discovery.

Do social interactions really need to be as difficult as some people think? For a growing proportion of our society, a lack of confidence in social situations is an everyday reality. Periods of low self confidence are experienced by most people at some point in their lives, and one manifestation of this is social anxiety.

The emotional turmoil of finding yourself stuck in an environment with people you don’t know, not knowing what to say without embarrassing yourself, but increasingly conscious of the awkward silence – it’s the stuff that nightmares are made of! Overcoming that first hurdle and having the confidence to put yourself out there, to start up a conversation, can be a daunting concept. But take a moment to learn from this young man, who through sharing his passion, opened up a new world.

“Putting yourself out there takes courage, but believing you have something worthwhile to say makes it so much easier.”

Nine year old Alex* receives regular tutoring for his English and Maths. Alex is mildly autistic which, in his case, makes it difficult to focus on topics which don’t interest him. He’s fallen behind his classmates in these two core subjects, and his confidence has plummeted with his test scores. Alex also struggles to form friendships as he is uncomfortable in social situations.

Alex may lack knowledge in English and Mathematics, but he knows more about planes than anyone you’re likely to meet. He can identify a low flying plane and give you its model and country of manufacture without missing a beat. Planes are Alex’s passion. Do you remember having that passion as a child? Whether it was dinosaurs, a football team, a now-embarrassing glam-rock band, we all had something that we knew about inside-out and enjoyed sharing with others. Take a moment to mentally pinpoint one of your passsions, past or current – we’ll come back to it.

So, very quickly after meeting Alex we learned about his adoration for all things aeronautical. By harnessing this passion, we were able to work with Alex in a way that he could truly enjoy (you wouldn’t believe what a difference it made just changing ‘oranges’ to ‘passengers’ in a math equation). Not only is Alex’s math and english improving now that it is being taught in collaboration with a subject he is interested in, but his confidence is improving too.

Last week Alex made his first real connection to another child since the school year began. Seeing a child in his class reading a transport book, he had the courage to share his knowledge on planes, engaging the other child in conversation. They already have a playdate lined up for the weekend.

But you see, while social interactions can be genuinely scary for us as adults, there’s no reason we can’t take a page from Alex’s book and turn communicating with each other into childsplay. You may feel as if you’ve lost the passion you once had as a child, but I guarantee you that it’s still there. Whether it’s a book, TV series, or something you’ve been reading about in the news, find something you feel you can speak about with confidence and then look for an opportunity this week to discuss it with someone outside of your comfort zone. Ask that woman ahead of you in the queue at the cafe whether her book is any good. Remark on how terrible that radio news bulletin was to the other person in the waiting room. What is the worst that can happen?

Putting yourself out there takes courage, but believing you have something worthwhile to say makes it so much easier. Yes, perhaps you’ll be met with a blank stare, other people are awkward too. But maybe that moment of bravery will result in a stimulating conversation, a moment shared between strangers; or who knows, maybe you’ll even be arranging a playdate of your own.

If you think you’d benefit from professional support in tackling your social anxiety, call Nelumbo Consultancy today to speak to one of our team.

*not his real name

One of the utmost debilitating and damaging emotions a human can feel is shame. Normally, this feeling occurs when people compare their standards to others in the society and end up feeling inferior and bad about themselves. There are moments where feelings of shame lead to people engaging in risky and self-destructive behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, long-term emotional and physical problems comprising anxiety, low self-esteem,  bodily pain, and depression.

The good news is, you can entirely avoid going down this path. Make a vow to yourself that you will value yourself and every one of your contributions and achievements. You need to make yourself understand that your one bad action will not define who you are.

Why Do We Feel Shame?

The feeling of shame rises when you think you’re not good enough or that something is wrong with you. Shame has nothing to do with you having done a wrong deed. That’s when you feel guilty. No, feelings of shame arise from the belief of you simply not being good enough. Unfortunately, this core belief and mentality is found to be quite prevailing in today’s society where everyone compares themselves to one another. It has become quite common to find those people who find themselves to be mediocre and at a lower standard than others of their same age, struggle with addiction and other issues.

A cumulation of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors is how our lives are evolved. With the experiences we face in our lives, we are stereotyped, labeled, and stigmatized. We end up becoming something other than who we truly are.

In this world we live in today, you must have been told by someone that you’re different or strange. It can be your own friends, family, or someone you admire and look up to. If the person who said this is someone whose opinions and thoughts really matter to you, there’s a good enough chance the second you’re told there’s something wrong with you, you’re going to feel shame.

In today’s society where bullying and being made fun of is quite common, you might find someone making fun of your weight, or your face covered with acne marks. In such cases, usually, it is the person who has a model-like figure or a person with flawless skin.  Your parents might tell you over and over that your poor grades are because you’re not as smart enough as your brother. Your teacher might make fun of your grades in front of the whole class.

When you hear such comments made by these people, you instantly feel shame. This feeling of shame might stay with you for a long time to come. These feelings can scare you for life. They can have a huge and drastic impact on your self-confidence.  And when your self-confidence and self-esteem is low, you cannot succeed in anything you do. Be it your studies, career, or anything you do in life.

Overcome Your Shame and Build Your Self Confidence Back

Well then, it’s now high time you let go of your feelings of shame, and build your self-confidence back in yourself. It is difficult to live a full and happy life where our self-esteem is low. Our lives are a gift to us and we need to make the best of it by living each day to its fullest. Good self-esteem is what aids us to tide through all the challenges we face in our life. Our confidence and self-esteem turn every day of our life, a good day.

Here are some ways for you to help boost your self-confidence and self-esteem.

1. List Down All Your Strengths:

Your strengths can include talent, experiences, skills, or anything that helps you to feel confident about yourself. It can be something as simple as compliments given to you by others. When you list down your qualities, you are reminding yourself of all your strengths. This will help you to acknowledge your positive points and thus, increase your self-confidence.

2. Accept Your Flaws

We are all humans. We can make mistakes. That doesn’t mean you let your one flaw stop you from acknowledging your positive strengths and qualities. We all have some flaws and plain-looking features in ourselves. That does not mean we let it cloud over our positive points. Whenever you feel shame or low, remind yourself of your good qualities.

3. Make It A Practice To Look At Yourself In A Mirror And Say Five Positive Things About Yourself Out Loud

Whenever you feel shame, you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, five of your positive qualities that will help you bring back your self-confidence. It can be your physical attributes, such as your smile, eyes, or hair. It could also be your internal attributes, such as your energy and compassion. Turn this into a regular practice and in no time, you will gain back your self-confidence.

If you wish to learn more on how to overcome feelings of shame and build self-confidence in yourself, feel free to visit our website or contact our qualified representatives to learn how we can be of service to you.

We all want to look great as we age but to many, aging gracefully is a thing of luck, some are lucky to continue looking good with age and others aren’t; nothing could be farther from the truth. Actually, persons who age gracefully lucky to be aging better, they are simply aging smarter and the secret is as much in what they do as much as it’s in what they don’t do. As life expectancy continues to increase globally, there’s no better time to look and feel better.

Aging as a process first begins from the mind then the body. When one believes they are aging or more appropriately growing old, they soon begin to feel that way and the signs soon manifest in their physique. It’s no rocket science, it’s an age-long fact – we are what we think we are. What this means is that to reverse the aging process and look and feel young, we have to change the way we think. Our approach to aging and life has to improve by letting go of bad thought patterns and embracing new, positive thought patterns. Some mental hacks which can help reverse the aging process include:

• Letting go of old beliefs which hold you back
• Taking up challenges which test our physically and mentally. Taking up a new sport or registering for the gym is a good way to start.
• Paying little or no attention to negative thoughts and emotions
• Growing the habit of giving, to friends, family and strangers.
• Spending more time with friends and family

One of the most common reasons people are reluctant to make changes to their lifestyle as they grow older is that they believe that aging prevents them from doing most things. Sure, as we grow older, there are certain things we won’t be able to do as well as we used to. However, growing old doesn’t affect the most important things needed to feel young and alive. For example:

• If you are creative, old age does not affect your creativity. In fact, some of the most iconic ideas have come from persons who would be considered old.
• Growing older doesn’t affect your relationship with friends and family. No matter how old you are, you can maintain a relationship especially if you happen to be retired, giving you more time to spare.
• Age doesn’t affect your sense of humor. If you have it, nothing can snatch it from you and who says you can’t grow one as you go older?
• Even if you have any physical limitations, it means nothing as even young persons have to deal with physical problems sometimes. All you need to is to find a way to manage your limitation and continue enjoying your life.

Finally, growing old doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your life and lucky for you, we have given a few habits of graceful agers. If you would like to learn more or require personal assistance, we are here to help you.

Recognising what your strengths are. The power of understanding your worth.

In our self-deprecating society, it can be easy to lose sight of our innate qualities that make us unique. From an early age we’re taught not to boast, to be humble and never raise our head above the parapet. But what if you could live a happier, more fulfilled life, simply by identifying and acknowledging what your strengths are?

Too often we default to dissecting our weaknesses, focusing on our flaws and limitations and defining ourselves by those traits. I encourage you to instead focus on what positive qualities you possess. Perhaps you’re cool under pressure? Or a loyal friend? The adjectives you use to describe yourself don’t have to be linked to where you are in your career or personal life – being a great leader isn’t reserved only for people with that job title, nor is being artistic reserved for people with the time to create art. Take some time out of your day to sit down and reflect on what your strengths are, then choose five words that represent you. If you struggle, there are plenty of online resources that have collated words together. When you know what your strengths are, you can find your way in life, whatever challenges are thrown your way.

“They tried to bury me, but did not know that I am a seed”- Mexican proverb

Before moving on to assessing your weaknesses, it’s important to understand the concept of a ‘growth mindset’. Essentially, growth mindset is the concept that believing you have the ability to develop a skill, is more related to success than inherently possessing the skill itself. The ‘fixed mindset’ that many of us are guilty of, instead believes that our abilities are outside of our control, that we either naturally have skill in an area, or not.

We will all be faced with challenges in life, how we approach these challenges defines our view of the world. Did you get passed up on that management promotion because you aren’t good enough? Or do you know that you have great leadership skills, but that one of your weaknesses is being vague, which might have hindered you in your interview? Knowing yourself innately allows you to see opportunities for development, instead of problems. As obstacles present themselves, you are equipped to deal with them based on your knowledge of self.

Introspection and self-analysis are not always easily done alone – it can be difficult to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. If you feel that you would benefit from exploring what your strengths are with a qualified practitioner, we would love to help.

As much as it hurts, failure is an important part of life. In short, failure is necessary. I have failed more times than I would want to admit. I can’t say that I enjoy failing, but through its life-altering lessons, failure moulds us into better persons. Without failure, we would be incapable of compassion, kindness, empathy and great achievement.

When we think of what failure is, we imagine things in a negative light. We see it as painful and that it inflicts agonizing pangs of remorse, regrets and guilt. But, for people that have known failure and have bounced from it, understand that in life failure is necessary for success. The most successful people in the world have failed the most times. You can’t go through life without failing at anything, and if you try to, then you’re not really living a life as a matter of fact. Falling down flat on our faces while taking risk is a part of life, it moulds us into who we are. Even a baby will fail a thousand times before finally mastering the art of walking.

The problem however is that society tends to celebrate the successes instead of highlighting the epic journeys towards success that are filled with tribulations, trials, setbacks, failures and upsets because it’s not as glamorous to talk about those things. Michael Jordan missed about 9000 shots throughout his career, lost over 300 games and 26 times when he was trusted to take the game winning shot he missed, and that’s why according to him he succeeds.

Why is it necessary to fail?

Failure is a steppingstone. It is necessary to fail. In fact, I will highlight 5 very powerful life lessons taught and instilled in us by failure

1. Experience: The first major lesson gained from failure is experience. When we go through a situation and can walk away with forehand experience, it aids us in developing a deeper understanding of life. The experience of failure is truly invaluable as it completely alters our mind frame through the induction of pain. It makes us want to reflect on the real nature of things and their paramount importance in our lives, improving and transforming our future-selves.
2. Knowledge: Failure is accompanied with firsthand knowledge. We can harness that knowledge in the future to overcome that very failure that has inflicted much pain in the first place. Nothing replaces knowledge gained from failure.
3. Resilience: Failure helps to build resilience. With each failure we become more resilient. In order to achieve unprecedented success, we must know resilience. Because, if we try to think that we would succeed in the very first try, or even the first few attempts, then we’ve set ourselves up for a far more painful failure.
4. Growth: When we fail, we grow and mature. We reach deeper meanings and understandings in our lives and why we do the things we do. This assists us to reflect and take things into clear perspective, developing meaning from painful conditions. Life has been designed for us to grow and improve. From the genetic fibers that moulds us into individual persons, into the fabric of society on a global scale, growth is a typical part of us. Without growth, we could not improve life on all fronts.
5. Value: one very big lesson we can learn from life’s failures is the necessity to create an exceedingly high amount of value. Value, in fact lies at the heart of success and a lack of value is a fundamental pillar to more failure.

How to Recover From Failure

Many ways exists that can help one recover from failure. Once you’ve come to terms with what failure is, and its prospects in serving us rather than hinder us, you’ll open your heart and free your mind to experience the joy of failure.

1. Ignore the naysayers. When you fail, without a doubt there will be people telling you, “You should have listened to me” and, “I told you so.”
2. Understand that it’s okay to Fail. One of the major ways of recovering from failure is understanding that it’s all right to fail but not okay to give up.
3. Using failure as a leverage: when you fail in life, you should consider it a leverage to not only recover from it, but to help push you forward in the future. Failure is a platform for growth that is simply unmatched.
   To leverage failure, illuminate them to your mind. Pen down what you failed and why you failed. Are there deep enough meanings to your goals in the past? What could have been done differently? How will you now tackle those failures in the future when you face them? How will you learn from the past to assist you in shaping a bigger and brighter future?
4. Revisit your goals and seek to know how clear you were with your goals. Were they exact, precise and feasible? Were you able to visualize them in your mind?
5. Spend time to analyze and adjust where necessary. Revisit your goals and redefine them.
6. Create a massive action plan: Lay out a plan on how you’re going to achieve your goals. What will you do incase failure rears its ugly head next time?

Set up a solid action plan that will help you push past life’s hurdles and watch as you recover from setbacks or failures. At Nelumbo Consultancy we can help you setup a solid plan which will help you recover from a setback or failure. Contact us today let’s work on one.